So Jenny and I are breaking. It’s shit, but there you go. Deepest darkest fears realized.
We just can’t live together. It doesn’t work, it’s untenable, it can’t go on. Patience has run out, leeway exhausted, feelings crushed. We aren’t breaking, it’s broken.
Each blames the other of course, that’s probably normal, but it doesn’t matter – all that’s left are losers. Fionn, the innocent victim, is the biggest loser of all.
Anger has dissipated in the last week, since I first started these words. Now there’s just sorrow, deep sorrow and regret.
This is the last thing I ever wanted – the last thing either of us wanted – but having dealt with the terror of realization I can see no other way.
We both agree Fionn is the priority. That’s the beacon of hope. Both of us want only the best for him. It certainly wouldn’t do him any good to grow up in a poisonous atmosphere, watching the people he loves argue over nothing.
It’s fucking tragic for everyone that we have to share him, but we have to find a way to minimize the loss, to reduce the impact. We have to give him the best damn start in life we can. It was flawed from the beginning, but still, he has to have hope.
He was born out of love and he carries that love still. It’s his love now.
We have to move on, deal with it. This is Germany, it happens all the time. This is how they do it. So we’ll manage, somehow.
He knows something’s going on. He wasn’t too good, none of us were. It’s shit. There’s a calm now and he’s better, singing more than usual, but still it must be strange. It’ll never be the same.
I’m looking for an apartment close enough to be near, far enough not to go mad. Perhaps a bit of distance will allow channels of communication function again and we can at least understand the other even if we don’t agree.
At least we both understand and agree that Fionn’s the most important thing. He needs a father and a mother and we’ll both be there.
I brought him to bed the other night.
“I love you Fionnito, and Jenny loves you too, so we’re going to find a way.”
We have to.