Monday, August 26, 2013

German toilets: Giving shite a stage

Some toilets in Germany have viewing platforms so you can inspect your produce after producing it. They even have a name for them as Gilly pointed out last week – Flachspüler. So they’re important enough to have entered the national lexicon.
Things are bad when all you’ve left to take pride in is your own shite. But evidently that’s what they’ve been reduced to. They must gaze down lovingly at the bowl after laying a shite in the same way a mother views her newborn.
There’s no other explanation. I was wondering if it was driven by that incessant competitive drive. Germans are so insecure they have to measure themselves against everyone and second best is a failure. They have to be the best, regardless of the consequences. Maybe they view shite in the same way, each rated according to the creator’s personal scale, with the owner always vowing to do better the next time. “Muß besser machen,” they mutter wistfully to themselves.
But of course they’re never satisfied. No matter how good a German’s shite is, it always has to be better.
Even if they shat the best shite ever shit, insecurities would surface with the next fart, and before you know it they’re on steroids working arses in the gym to produce the next one.
I, for one, have no desire to be reacquainted with dinner a full day after I’ve eaten it. I can forfeit the pleasure. That shit – literally – should be flushed the hell away as quickly and as callously as possible, and there’s certainly no reason to put it on a pedestal.
Sorry Germany, but you’re getting that shit all wrong.

9 comments:

  1. I call those platter-crappers flush-n-brush, because that's what you have to do every time.

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    1. Platter-crappers! Flush-n-brush! Brilliant! :-D

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  2. We call 'em trophy toilets. Display your shit with honor and pride. Or maybe Germans like to inspect their logs for bark content. As Denis Leary ranted: "If you're checking your feces for fiber you've got too much fucking time on your hands!"

    db

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    1. There's good shit and bad shit. All shit should be flushed away as quickly as possible.

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  3. Much of the brushing can be avoided through the proper application of a landing pad, or "putting a magic carpet under that passenger," with a hat-tip to CN Heidelberg's mom.

    Confronting a German on the yuckiness of a Flachspüler, the standard justification seems to be "yeah, but it's great when you have to bring a sample in to the doctor for analysis." I'm not that sick so often that that becomes a benefit worth considering.

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    1. That is a brilliant idea! A magic carpet to fly the shit away! Ingenious.

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  4. I f'n love German toilets. No splish-splash-backs. Perfekt. It's only your shit - and you don't have to look at it when you flush, just turn the other cheek. Funny post anyway..."muß besser machen" haha. You and the Germans, heh. I miss Ireland already but certainly not my old splash-klo; NL'ers also have the 'viewing shelf'.

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  5. If you flush the average German trophy toilet while you are sitting you will get an ass full of shitty splashback. Not good unless that's your sort of party. I'm not pointing stinky fingers. Germans. Scheisse videos. My take:

    http://dunkinberliner.blogspot.de/2011/01/german-toilets-emasculation-and-film.html

    db

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